Ah, Laughter, I missed you!

The following are quotes pulled from a BRILLIANT blog that has entertained me during my latest round of corporate tribulation. If you're a Freelancer for hire, or have ever been in the position of pleasing a mercurial tyrant only to have to scream for a check, this is for you. Beloved Readers, I present "Clients From Hell".

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Me: “And what version of Windows are you using?”

He: “Look, pal. I know two things about this fucking computer. I paid a lot of fucking money for it, and it doesn’t fucking work.

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Client: “We ran the ad you designed in a magazine and no one bought our product, so we would like a refund on what we paid you and we will be taking our business elsewhere.”

Us: “Maybe the ad didn’t work because you are selling hunting and fishing supplies and you put the ad in a women’s home magazine.”

Client: “That’s because we heard that women make most purchasing decisions in the home. So clearly the problem was with your ad. I’ll be expecting a check.”

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Client: Hey, just one final question before I send the deposit. Do you use a PC or a MAC?

Me: I use a MAC.

Client: That is a problem. Do you have access to a PC? I am not a supporter of Apple products.

Me: No, I don’t have access to a PC, but this will have little to no effect on the work itself.

Client: I am a Christian and Apple products are sinful, I do not want our website to be created by a product made by this corrupt group. You need only look at their logo, an apple with a bite taken from it. Do you not know the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden? If I allowed you to create my website on a MAC I would be just like Adam, taking a bite of the forbidden fruit.

[Silence]

“Take my advise, destroy your mac and repent for when judgement day comes. It shall be you who is cast to hell for your sins.”

Me: [Block Contact]

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Me: “Your FTP password is literally one of the five most commonly used passwords in the world.”

Them: “I guess great minds think alike!”

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We got a call at home at 11 pm from a client whose website had been crippled by malware. He was extremely upset that the website needed to be rebuilt from scratch, and refused to understand why it was necessary. Then he suddenly stopped ranting and said:

“You know what, I don’t have time for this. I have to go fuck this prostitute. I’ll call you later.”