You have all turned into fat, lazy, slothful, illiterate, classless consumers who have all lost the ability to do simple math and you are all driving me fucking crazy. You all swallow information in ten second bite-size morsels and then form an opinion that you will try to force upon me, a person who reads voraciously, a person who studies both sides of an argument AND looks at the underbelly of motivation, a person who is immersed every single day deep in the waters of academia. Do not regurgitate to me what you've heard, because, trust me on this one, you are too stupid to not cock it up.
The only recreational TV I watch is Ovation, TCM, the Discovery Channel, and in season, the surf contests from the Southern Hemisphere, so no, I didn't see who won some sort of "reality" show you saw last night because let me tell you this, if those douchenozzles really were stranded on an island, they would be dead fetid corpses rotting in the equatorial sun within eight days. THAT I would watch. I'd love to see a Komodo Dragon run faster than a quarter horse to wolf down a tasty starlet, are you kidding me? Absolutely. I'll turn off the Leni Riefenstahl retrospective for that one.
I get my news from the BBC and the AP. Why? Because they cover the fucking news. When I need my chuckles, my local newspaper is filled with snarky remarks made by reporters with little to lose thanks to the lack of money left in legitimate journalism. Because of the idiots that now populate this fine Nation of ours, I have to get my news from other countries. We can blame the schools, and there's plenty of finger pointing to that, but the real truth is this: After people leave school, the vast majority of Americans stop reading to obtain information. They might read for entertainment, but that's only to be able to chatter to the other people in the club about what they just read, which is why there are roughly 180,000 new titles published in the United States per year and Oprah only covers about four of them.
Oh, here's something that drives me insane based on that. Do not EVER sprinkle a work discussion with references to popular culture, especially works of popular fiction. If it is a contest that you want, you will lose, and you will lose badly. You will also lose any respect you may have had in the office, because there is nothing that annoys me more than someone who won't FOCUS on the TASK AT HAND and play some fucking ego-based nerd game with me.
Other things that annoy me today -
-To the guy in my office who calls his teenage sons between the hours of 4pm to 6pm: Dude, your sons will find the food in your house, and no, they won't tell you where your ex-wife/their mom is. I will though. She's fucking her new husband. That's why your sons are at your house and not hers. Swallow that and deal.
-To the cake boss that is in charge of one aspect of this project that I'm on: Stop wearing flip-flops in the office. I mean it.
-To the tiny munchkin that has the metabolism of a hummingbird: Stop eating when you're on the phone. Stop it. Just fucking stop it.
-Back to the dude who calls his sons: Do NOT read the news over a cubicle wall to me. I've seen the news, probably 16 hours or so before you did. Here's the rule: To speak to me, you have to look me in the eyes or use the phone. Otherwise, I refuse to hear you. Also, your guitar playing sucks, and that is why no one wants to go to Starbucks during lunch to watch you play. We're really not that busy at all, we just don't want to go and cringe as we watch you embarrass yourself.
Okay, well, I'm packing for my new work space today. Tomorrow, I will be in an office with a door that will shut out a majority of these annoyances, so if I can just hang in there without taking a dictionary to the back of someone's head, everything will be just fine, I'm sure.
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